The first thing you notice about the book Ralph Nader, Will You Marry Me? is that its title is Ralph Nader, Will You Marry Me? If that is not enough of a stimulus to pick up a book, I don't know what is.

Pulled this out of a long-forgotten box of books earlier.  No, it's not a self-help book written by Ben Affleck, it's a classic 1961 slab of grim cold-war profiteering by one Col. Mel Mawrence.

The front cover blurb reads, in its entirety, "This book is a myth-shattering guide to bomb survival which offers new hope for millions of Americans. It firmly contradicts the 'certain death' psychology of well-meaning but mistaken spreaders of despair and..."

Despair and what? For god's sake man, don't leave us hanging! Luckily, the blurb continues on the back cover:
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As a Hollywood screenwriter, I am exposed to bad storytelling on a daily basis. One tributary of the river of bad storytelling is misguided adaptations of pop-culture icons. "What if Superman were a gypsy farmer?" "What if Mickey Mouse was a molecular physicist?" "What if you re-imagined the Green Lantern Corps as the team from Reservoir Dogs?" (Hey, that one's not bad -- hang on, I need to make a phone call.)

In the sweepstakes of inept pop-culture adaptations, I have, I believe, a winner. This is, I believe, as bad as it gets. This is not fanfic, this is not slash Smurfs, this is not Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. This is The Road Runner: Tumbleweed Trouble by Jack Woolgar (although apparently not this Jack Woolgar.) This is a real book, sanctioned (but apparently not read) by the creators (or at least the owners) of the Road Runner (that is, Warner Bros Inc.) and associated characters, published by a real publisher, Whitman Books (a complete list of other Whitman "Tell-A-Tale" books can be found here).

What makes this book so bad?  How does it rise above (or, rather, sink below) the ranks of all other bad pop-culture crap?

Let's take a look inside, shall we?
( brace yourself )